25 août 2009
I can’t quit
I’ve made it no secret over the years that my favorite Joel Spitzer article is the one entitled, “I Can’t Quit or I Won’t Quit.” It’s about a lady who enrolled in one of Joel’s two-week clinics, which involved six, two-hour sessions. She advised Joel up front that, "I don't want to be called on during this clinic. I am quitting smoking, but I don't want to talk about it. Please don't call on me." Joel said, “Sure. I won't make you talk, but if you feel you would like to interject at anytime, please don't hesitate to.” She grew angry. "Maybe I am not making myself clear, I don't want to talk! If you make me talk I will get up and walk out of this room. If you look at me with an inquisitive look on your face, I am leaving! Am I making myself clear?"
Surprised by the force of her reaction, he said he’d honor her request. Although he still
hoped she’d change her mind and share her experiences with the group, Joel was no longer
expecting it.
With approximately 20 participants, it was a good group except for two women in back who
“gabbed constantly.” Others
were forced to turn around and
ask them to be quiet. The
women would stop for a few
seconds and then were right
back at it. Sometimes, when
other people were sharing sad,
personal experiences, they
would be laughing at some
humorous story they had shared
with each other, oblivious to
surrounding happenings, recalls
Joel.
On the third day of the clinic it
happened. The two ladies in the
back were talking away as usual
when a young lady asked if she
could speak to the group first because she had to leave. The two in the back continued their
private conversation as if she wasn’t there. The young woman said, "I can't stay, I had a
horrible tragedy in my family today, my brother was killed in an accident. I wasn't even
supposed to come tonight; I am supposed to be helping my family making funeral
arrangements. But I knew I had to stop by if I was going to continue to not smoke."
She’d remained nicotine-free for two days and not smoking was obviously important. Joel
recalls that the group “felt terrible, but were so proud of her, it made what happened in their
day seem so trivial. All except the two ladies in the back of the room. They actually heard
none of what was happening,” writes Joel. “When the young woman was telling how close
she and her brother were, the two gossips actually broke out laughing. They weren't
laughing at the story, they were laughing at something totally different not even aware of
what was being discussed in the room.” The young lady excused herself to return to her
family, said she’d keep in touch and thanked the group for their support.
A few minutes later Joel was relating a story to the group when all of a sudden the lady who
had requested anonymity interrupted him. "Excuse me Joel," she said loudly. "I wasn't
going to say anything this whole program. The first day I told Joel not to call on me. I told
him I would walk out if I had to talk. I told him I would leave if he tried to make me talk. I
didn't want to burden anyone else with my problems. But today I feel I cannot keep quiet
any longer. I must tell my story." The room went quiet.
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